Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Rant continues
I am sad, sad and angry tonight.
I am exhausted.
I am depressed
and I am more then a little heartbroken.
I thought the meds were working. I honestly thought for the first time in 13 years the meds were working. I thought, no, I let myself believe that I had found relief. I was happy. I could handle the little flare ups. I had made my peace with the little pains. They are part of the disease. But I thought I honestly thought that I WAS IN REMISSION. How could I be so fucking stupid? I have been in remission twice in my life, once spontaneously when I was 12-18 then when I was pregnant with Meaghan (which I was told would happen before I got pregnant) After remission both times my Ra got severe again and spread. But this time I thought I was going into remission because of treatment, and treatment induced remission has the ability to last for a lifetime. A LIFETIME. That's the dream with a chronic illness. I was doing so good the last year and a half. But all that's changed now.
I went back to the doctor today, he looked at me for the first time ever with such sadness. I sat there crying asking him what do I do now? If the strongest meds in the RA arsenal don't work what am I supposed to do? How do I do this for another 30 years? He didn't know what to say. I don't blame him for not knowing what to say to me. The Brooke that was in his office today was not the usual one he sees. Normally I just take what he tells me and say thanks and go fill the new scrip or adjust what I am already doing. But this time I think he saw me give up.
I could handle it being bursitis, a torn hamstring, or just an injury to some random muscle. But not my RA spreading yet again. C'MON THAT IS BULLSHIT. I am taking the strongest meds they have. I am risking getting lymphoma for Christ sake just to treat my RA. But the kicker. The joint that is causing all the pain and tears is a little joint called the Sacroiliac Joint. It is located at the back of the pelvis. It is a shitty little joint. The shitty part is that I can't have the hip replaced to end the pain. The joint can't be replaced. So I just have to live with it. I am pretty tired of just living with it. Sure, I've learnt to live with it. I live with what feels like half a life. There is the life I want to live and the life I actually live. I had fooled myself the last little while into thinking that I was going to be able to live my whole life. Not just the half of it that the pain didn't effect.
I am going to see my reumatologist next week. See if he has something new up his sleeve. I keep telling myself it could be worse, But in the end if my RA doesn't kill me, my RA treatments will. My doc told me today that with this new progression I am at a higher risk for the RA to hit my heart. He figures it is now damaging my soft tissue, my tendons to be specific. So yes I am mad, I am angry and I am sad. I just don't know where to go from here.
I was happy
I had no significant pain
I was able to do what I wanted to do
Pain was not factoring into my day to day life, cause it was not there
Now?
Now I don't know.
Later Gaters
I am exhausted.
I am depressed
and I am more then a little heartbroken.
I thought the meds were working. I honestly thought for the first time in 13 years the meds were working. I thought, no, I let myself believe that I had found relief. I was happy. I could handle the little flare ups. I had made my peace with the little pains. They are part of the disease. But I thought I honestly thought that I WAS IN REMISSION. How could I be so fucking stupid? I have been in remission twice in my life, once spontaneously when I was 12-18 then when I was pregnant with Meaghan (which I was told would happen before I got pregnant) After remission both times my Ra got severe again and spread. But this time I thought I was going into remission because of treatment, and treatment induced remission has the ability to last for a lifetime. A LIFETIME. That's the dream with a chronic illness. I was doing so good the last year and a half. But all that's changed now.
I went back to the doctor today, he looked at me for the first time ever with such sadness. I sat there crying asking him what do I do now? If the strongest meds in the RA arsenal don't work what am I supposed to do? How do I do this for another 30 years? He didn't know what to say. I don't blame him for not knowing what to say to me. The Brooke that was in his office today was not the usual one he sees. Normally I just take what he tells me and say thanks and go fill the new scrip or adjust what I am already doing. But this time I think he saw me give up.
I could handle it being bursitis, a torn hamstring, or just an injury to some random muscle. But not my RA spreading yet again. C'MON THAT IS BULLSHIT. I am taking the strongest meds they have. I am risking getting lymphoma for Christ sake just to treat my RA. But the kicker. The joint that is causing all the pain and tears is a little joint called the Sacroiliac Joint. It is located at the back of the pelvis. It is a shitty little joint. The shitty part is that I can't have the hip replaced to end the pain. The joint can't be replaced. So I just have to live with it. I am pretty tired of just living with it. Sure, I've learnt to live with it. I live with what feels like half a life. There is the life I want to live and the life I actually live. I had fooled myself the last little while into thinking that I was going to be able to live my whole life. Not just the half of it that the pain didn't effect.
I am going to see my reumatologist next week. See if he has something new up his sleeve. I keep telling myself it could be worse, But in the end if my RA doesn't kill me, my RA treatments will. My doc told me today that with this new progression I am at a higher risk for the RA to hit my heart. He figures it is now damaging my soft tissue, my tendons to be specific. So yes I am mad, I am angry and I am sad. I just don't know where to go from here.
I was happy
I had no significant pain
I was able to do what I wanted to do
Pain was not factoring into my day to day life, cause it was not there
Now?
Now I don't know.
Later Gaters
Just a Little Rant and Rave
I have been a little laid up lately so I've not posted in a couple days. My doc changed my pain med last week and I have to say I am not getting any better relief. I am a little frustrated and to be perfectly honest I am a little depressed. I am used to pain but the pain I'm having right now is just too much. I need some relief. Every time I engage the hamstring it spasms. Or something. All I know is that the pain is almost too much to bear. I'm mad at myself for complaining because I am all to aware that there are people out there that are in way worse shape then I am but I need to vent. I need to get this off my chest, cause I think I'm gonna have a little breakdown over it if I don't. So please my loyal readers bear with me. The majority of my joints are doing well. My knees are pain free. The giving out that was plaguing me after my second knee replacement has stopped, and I owe that 100 percent to to my physio therapist. She has done some amazing work with me and I owe her big time (even if she does make me do football drills).
My doc changed my meds but I went back to my old anti-inflammatory after 3 days cause the new ones he put me on were crap. They were giving me no relief. My old ones are doing much better. I am going this afternoon to the doctors again. I was supposed to go next week but I called today because I am in rough shape again. I'm getting better all over relief for the new pain patch but it the break through pain that is causing me the most discomfort. I hate feeling like this. I was doing so good for so long. I would have a normal flare up of pain every once and a while (which is what most RA suffers will have to deal with for the rest of their lives) and that I can deal with. I have made my peace with my RA. I accept that I have RA that is out of control and I will always have to deal with it. SO BE IT. IT MAKES ME WHO I AM. But this new pain????? No FUCKING way. I am not taking it any longer. I demand relief. ~sigh~
But again I feel like a big baby because there are people way worse off then me. I feel like I need to suck it up but honestly I don't think I can.
Well that's it for now, I will post after I get home from the doctors and let you know what he said.
Later Gaters
My doc changed my meds but I went back to my old anti-inflammatory after 3 days cause the new ones he put me on were crap. They were giving me no relief. My old ones are doing much better. I am going this afternoon to the doctors again. I was supposed to go next week but I called today because I am in rough shape again. I'm getting better all over relief for the new pain patch but it the break through pain that is causing me the most discomfort. I hate feeling like this. I was doing so good for so long. I would have a normal flare up of pain every once and a while (which is what most RA suffers will have to deal with for the rest of their lives) and that I can deal with. I have made my peace with my RA. I accept that I have RA that is out of control and I will always have to deal with it. SO BE IT. IT MAKES ME WHO I AM. But this new pain????? No FUCKING way. I am not taking it any longer. I demand relief. ~sigh~
But again I feel like a big baby because there are people way worse off then me. I feel like I need to suck it up but honestly I don't think I can.
Well that's it for now, I will post after I get home from the doctors and let you know what he said.
Later Gaters
Monday, February 7, 2011
It's Just Another Monday
Hello my readers out there in Blog world. Just thought I would do a little entry about my weekend/Monday. This weekend was good, we didn't do too much. Meaghan had dance on Saturday and they are doing a competition at the studio for the next 6 weeks. In the next 6 weeks the girls are required to wear proper ballet attire. Hair in buns (with hairnet), black or jazz blue body suit and shoes. No jewelry, no sweaters, legwarmers or any other things we parents have bought our girls to make them even cuter while they dance. So I now have to try to get Meaghan's hair into a perfect bun twice a week. For most this would be easy but I have always had short hair so I am not very good with the long hair styles. Oh well I do my best and as long as it is up (no matter how badly) she gets the credit.
Yesterday we watched t
he Super Bowl. We had Super Bowl foods and drinks. We made our own pretzels. We picked our team before the beginning of the game. To be truthful Dave told us who we were cheering for. So we watched the game together the 3 of us. Meaghan made a noise maker and shook it every time daddy told her to, I clapped when our team did well and yelled at the ref when bad calls were made. We had a jolly good time as a family. It was a lot of fun. Dave won $20 bucks from a bet at work. Green Bay won. To be honest I think they won only because we were cheering for them. The win had NOTHING to do with the fact that Aron Rodgers played a great F'N game or anything. I mean come on, it's not like he was injured or anything... oh wait he was. Well it's not like he lost 2 of his best receivers during the game. Oh wait he did. But still it was the Moloney family cheering that made them win. Right?
Today was a bit of a comedy of errors. I woke this morning to Meaghan coming into my room asking if it was time for school. I looked at the clock and said ... "Yes Meaghan it is time for school, however school started 90 minutes ago so I am thinking that you should just crawl into bed with me and watch some cartoons, cause we ain't going to school today." By the time I got her dressed and fed and to school she would only be there for another hour or so. So I the great mother I am decided that she needed a jammy day with mommy. So that is what we did. It was lots of fun. She played on the computer and made valentine gifts for me and Dave.
Dave was late getting home from work tonight so I had to take Meaghan to dance in the "bad"van. I got her there cold but on time. I dropped her off and ran back home to switch van's and then I went Safeway to get diner and a couple other odds and ends e needed. But the gong show of the day was the twit behind the deli counter. I ordered 2 panini's for takeout, and thee girl had to make them 3 count it 3 times. How is that possible? How can I order something and then 25 seconds later you can't make the sandwich I just ordered? I can understand if it's busy, but I was the only bloody person in the store. sigh
Oh well, all and all it was a good day. I am thinking only the dog would think it was not the best day. Meaghan decided the dog needed to dress up like a ballerina.
well that's it for today
Later Gaters
Yesterday we watched t
he Super Bowl. We had Super Bowl foods and drinks. We made our own pretzels. We picked our team before the beginning of the game. To be truthful Dave told us who we were cheering for. So we watched the game together the 3 of us. Meaghan made a noise maker and shook it every time daddy told her to, I clapped when our team did well and yelled at the ref when bad calls were made. We had a jolly good time as a family. It was a lot of fun. Dave won $20 bucks from a bet at work. Green Bay won. To be honest I think they won only because we were cheering for them. The win had NOTHING to do with the fact that Aron Rodgers played a great F'N game or anything. I mean come on, it's not like he was injured or anything... oh wait he was. Well it's not like he lost 2 of his best receivers during the game. Oh wait he did. But still it was the Moloney family cheering that made them win. Right?Today was a bit of a comedy of errors. I woke this morning to Meaghan coming into my room asking if it was time for school. I looked at the clock and said ... "Yes Meaghan it is time for school, however school started 90 minutes ago so I am thinking that you should just crawl into bed with me and watch some cartoons, cause we ain't going to school today." By the time I got her dressed and fed and to school she would only be there for another hour or so. So I the great mother I am decided that she needed a jammy day with mommy. So that is what we did. It was lots of fun. She played on the computer and made valentine gifts for me and Dave.
Dave was late getting home from work tonight so I had to take Meaghan to dance in the "bad"van. I got her there cold but on time. I dropped her off and ran back home to switch van's and then I went Safeway to get diner and a couple other odds and ends e needed. But the gong show of the day was the twit behind the deli counter. I ordered 2 panini's for takeout, and thee girl had to make them 3 count it 3 times. How is that possible? How can I order something and then 25 seconds later you can't make the sandwich I just ordered? I can understand if it's busy, but I was the only bloody person in the store. sigh
Oh well, all and all it was a good day. I am thinking only the dog would think it was not the best day. Meaghan decided the dog needed to dress up like a ballerina.
well that's it for today
Later Gaters
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Meaghan
I took Meaghan to dance today (something I do twice a week), and as I was sitting there watching her I was so impressed with the simple beauty in the lines of her body as she went through the positions. I'm always so enthralled while I watch her dance. Even the simplest movement is a source of amazement for me. I wonder how this beautiful creature came from me. Her posture is nothing short of perfect. I wonder sometimes if she does have the imaginary string the dance teacher tells them to pull to get the girls posture straight.
But then there is the other side of Meaghan, the side of kids that fall down ALL the time. My friend is constantly telling her son to get off the floor ( so at least I know it's not just my kid) The worst is when Meaghan is going through a growth spurt. She just finished one and even her dance teachers were surprised at how wobbly she was. Normally she can stand on one leg with some measure of composure, but last week it was like a new born horse or deer trying to stand up for the first time, it was not good people not good at all.
I realized today that I may be a little jealous of the grace my daughter poses when she is dancing. I've never had that kind of grace (at least not on dry land anyways). I know that sounds awful but it's honest. Today was a bit different though, instead of just me watching Meaghan, she had her Grandma and Grandpa there and her Great Grandma as well. I was in my glory. I was no longer the only one watching her dance beautifully, other members of her family were there to see it as well. I could not have been prouder, her Grandpas was full of praise but the kicker.... what Great Grandma. Great grandma was so impressed by her that she couldn't say enough good things. Things like " look at her toes, ballet is all in the toes you know" " Look at her legs, Ballet is all in the legs." And then when they started to do the jumps in place and switch their lead foot in the air. Great Grandma and Grampa were heard saying " look at that, she got that down perfect, way better then the other girls." I stood there ever quite, piping in here and there about how good the other girls are as well. I do this because I know the other mom's and dad's are sitting there right behind us.
Oh, my Meaghan is the best part of my day. Whether I am watching her dance or just watching her watch TV I am always enthralled with her. I find her to be the most curious creature. One of the funniest things she does though is when she gets into character. She has a few more memorable ones.... the Pirate, the old man, the old woman with cane and the dog walker. Now the best part of these persona's is that if you need to talk to "Meaghan" you need to put in a request with the character and the character whomever it may be goes into the other room to get Meaghan, a few seconds later out comes Meaghan sans costume. ~sigh~ I always have to laugh when this happens, Dave simply shakes his head (he is less likely to play along in the fantasy world as I am.)
No matter who she is pretending to be, or whether she is mesmerizing me with her dance moves I find myself more in love with all that she is everyday. I am so blessed to have her in my life. I thank God everyday for her. She make me smile like no other, she makes me crazy like no other. She can even make me mad like no other, but I would have it no other way. My life would have no purpose without her. I would not be half the woman I am today without her. I hope everyone has someone or something in their life that makes them feel wonderment like I do when I look at my daughter. I hope everyone has that 1 thing in their life that lets them no that there is more to life then just themselves.
this post is for my little one, so that there will always be something for her to read to know how much she meant to me and how thankful I am to have her in my life.
Later Gaters
B
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The real bandit in the bushes and other thoughts
3 days in a row, that is a new record for me. he he he
So I posted the other day that I had Bursitis. Well apparently I lied to you all. It is not Bursitis. It is actually PIRIFORMIS SYNDROME. It's like Bursitis but it is also like Sciatica. It is a lot like Sciatica because the muscle that is causing all the problems is either right next to it intertwined with the Sciatica nerve. Once the muscle is injured and inflames and gets all tight it presses on or constricts on the Sciatica. And viola the mind numbing pain is brought on.
In all honesty when I left the doctors office today I had the biggest smile on my face. I had no idea how worried I was about the diagnosis and treatment. after he told me it was not Bursitis or my Ra progressing I felt so relieved. The whole ride home I was giddy and smiley. Meaghan was sitting in her seat staring at me like I was nuts. Every time a song came on the radio that I even only knew one line to I felt like I had to belt that line out at the top of my lungs. I'm pretty sure when Rhianna wrote "what's my name" she did not think that some 30+ sahm would turn it into a one line didddy. OH NA NA WHAT'S MY NAME, OH NA NA WHAT'S MY , WHAT'S MY NAMES WHAT'S MY NAME. ~giggle~
I have another 4 - 6 weeks of pain but at least I know it will heal. The doctor changed my pain meds ( I'm now on a triplicate pain patch) and he put me back on Celebrex (apparently the Diclofenac was not cutting it) So we will see how it goes from here. Oh yes I have to swim everyday. The doc said that the more I swim and do my physio the faster it will heal.
I have a friend I love very much. She is a a huge part of my life and my daughters life, and I would have it no other way. She did something today that I am very proud of her for. She posted something on her blog about what she is going through in her personal life. I know this is something most blogger's do everyday, but this post was completely honest and real. She did not hide behind humour, she did not mask pain with metaphors. She decided that she would write about who she is truly and admit to some very hard things that shaped her into the amazing woman she is today. She wrote about her biggest fear. The one thing in all the world that makes her feel like she would be better off dead. I am so proud of her. I hope that I will be half as brave as she was today, when I post here.
I think that's it for today. I hope to see you here again tomorrow.
Later Gaters
So I posted the other day that I had Bursitis. Well apparently I lied to you all. It is not Bursitis. It is actually PIRIFORMIS SYNDROME. It's like Bursitis but it is also like Sciatica. It is a lot like Sciatica because the muscle that is causing all the problems is either right next to it intertwined with the Sciatica nerve. Once the muscle is injured and inflames and gets all tight it presses on or constricts on the Sciatica. And viola the mind numbing pain is brought on.
In all honesty when I left the doctors office today I had the biggest smile on my face. I had no idea how worried I was about the diagnosis and treatment. after he told me it was not Bursitis or my Ra progressing I felt so relieved. The whole ride home I was giddy and smiley. Meaghan was sitting in her seat staring at me like I was nuts. Every time a song came on the radio that I even only knew one line to I felt like I had to belt that line out at the top of my lungs. I'm pretty sure when Rhianna wrote "what's my name" she did not think that some 30+ sahm would turn it into a one line didddy. OH NA NA WHAT'S MY NAME, OH NA NA WHAT'S MY , WHAT'S MY NAMES WHAT'S MY NAME. ~giggle~
I have another 4 - 6 weeks of pain but at least I know it will heal. The doctor changed my pain meds ( I'm now on a triplicate pain patch) and he put me back on Celebrex (apparently the Diclofenac was not cutting it) So we will see how it goes from here. Oh yes I have to swim everyday. The doc said that the more I swim and do my physio the faster it will heal.
I have a friend I love very much. She is a a huge part of my life and my daughters life, and I would have it no other way. She did something today that I am very proud of her for. She posted something on her blog about what she is going through in her personal life. I know this is something most blogger's do everyday, but this post was completely honest and real. She did not hide behind humour, she did not mask pain with metaphors. She decided that she would write about who she is truly and admit to some very hard things that shaped her into the amazing woman she is today. She wrote about her biggest fear. The one thing in all the world that makes her feel like she would be better off dead. I am so proud of her. I hope that I will be half as brave as she was today, when I post here.
I think that's it for today. I hope to see you here again tomorrow.
Later Gaters
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A Very Pointless Post
Well Hello people
I don't know what to write about today. So I have decided to just write whatever comes to mind. It may end up being a complete conversation or it may just end up being random craziness. we will have to see how it goes.
So what to say what to say? Well My pain is a lot less today. That may only be because I have been taken 5 time the amount of anti-inflammatory I usually do. Hey judge all you want I had to do something. I was seriously at my breaking point. Like I was gonna cut my own fucking leg off to stop the pain. But that will not be necessary now. the pain is way down. I see the doctor tomorrow, and I have the utmost faith that her will be able to adjust my meds so that the pain will go away completely.
Holly crap I have nothing to say today. I have been sitting at my computer for a while trying to write something and nothing is coming out. What to do what to do? Maybe just give up? leave my post as is? I think so. i will write more tomorrow after I get back form the doc's. Yes I think that is what i Will do. Sounds good to me. This is just a pointless post anyway. Nothing earth shattering is about to come out of my brain, I am not about to make a confession of momentous proportion. so I think I will end it here and move on.
So good night to all. Have a great sleep and an even better morning.
Later Gaters
B
I don't know what to write about today. So I have decided to just write whatever comes to mind. It may end up being a complete conversation or it may just end up being random craziness. we will have to see how it goes.
So what to say what to say? Well My pain is a lot less today. That may only be because I have been taken 5 time the amount of anti-inflammatory I usually do. Hey judge all you want I had to do something. I was seriously at my breaking point. Like I was gonna cut my own fucking leg off to stop the pain. But that will not be necessary now. the pain is way down. I see the doctor tomorrow, and I have the utmost faith that her will be able to adjust my meds so that the pain will go away completely.
Holly crap I have nothing to say today. I have been sitting at my computer for a while trying to write something and nothing is coming out. What to do what to do? Maybe just give up? leave my post as is? I think so. i will write more tomorrow after I get back form the doc's. Yes I think that is what i Will do. Sounds good to me. This is just a pointless post anyway. Nothing earth shattering is about to come out of my brain, I am not about to make a confession of momentous proportion. so I think I will end it here and move on.
So good night to all. Have a great sleep and an even better morning.
Later Gaters
B
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Well it was only a matter of time
Hello all,
I know I know it's been a while but in my defense I have not had a working computer. But now that my computer is back and working I will be posting a LOT more.
My first post of the new year is not going to be a happy one. I'm thinking it's going to be a little bit of a rant fest. I apologize now in advance if I bring y'all down with me.
So I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis since I was 2 yeas old, so for anybody keeping score that is 30 YEARS. For most people when I say I have arthritis they give me a look that says"SO? why should I care, that's no big deal " but it is a big deal. RA is not your grandmothers arthritis. My RA is an autoimmune disorder. My RA is closer to Lupus than Osteoarthritis (which is what most people have when they say they have arthritis.) Ra takes a good 30 years off your life span. RA can hurt your eyes, heart, and ALL your joints..
The other "downside" to RA is that your body is prone to more diseases and conditions. Now I have made it 30 years without any other conditions popping up.... until now.
Let me paint y'all a picture. Some time last week I woke up in pain. Now this is not an uncommon thing in my world. I wake up with pain most days. What was different this time was the intensity and where it was located. Over night my arthritis had spread to a new joint. Until now my hips (knock on wood) have been great. I have never had a twinge of pain in them (much to the amazement of my rhuematologist). But on this morning I was wondering just how I was going to make it down to the bathroom and get Meaghan off to school. So I sucked it up got Meaghan up for school and made it down the stairs to the washroom. I was able to do all this because downstairs right by my favorite spot on the couch is a wonderful wicker box. What is so wonderful about this box you ask? The box itself is not so great it's what's in the box that made me able to get up and make it down the stairs. In this box I keep ALL MY DRUGS. I love my drugs. It is because of my drugs that I am able to walk, talk, sit, stand and even hold a tooth brush. I kid you not. My only joints not effected by RA are my shoulders, hips(maybe).
So back to my box O drugs. I knew 20 minutes after taking about 6 or 7 different pills my pain would go away. So I did this and 20 minutes later my pain was not gone. Nope instead it was getting worse. I got Meaghan off to school and I went back to bed. This usually helps me but alas this was not to be my fate this day. I know a lot of people reading this are thinking "whatever how bad could it be?" " Suck it up princess" the best way I can describe it is by comparing it to being cut open with a hot dull knife. My glute, and hamstring on my right side were on fire. Every time I engaged the muscles the pain was intensified to point where Dave wanted to take me to the hospital. Anyone who knows Dave knows that he would rather stitch his own wound up with a needle and thread then go to the emergency room. I said no to the hospital, they were just gonna tell me it's my RA and to go see your doctor to adjust your meds. So this is what I was planning on doing.
Today I had a physio appointment, so I went to it with the hope that my therapist would be able to help alleviate at least some of the the pain. At first she was thinking like me it was just a bad flare up in a new joint. Upon further inspection she decided that it was NOT my RA in a new joint. YEA YEA YEA YIPPEEEEEE YIPPPPPPPEEEEEEE. This is great news. It means my meds are still working and my disease is NOT progressing. This is the best news I have heard in regards to my RA. The bad news...... what the fuck is going on with my leg?
DRUM ROLL PLEASE..................
I have Ischiogluteal Bursitis. What is that do you ask? It's Bursitis of the hip. It is a ridiculously painful condition. That is treated with rest and ice, pain killers and injectable steroids. All and all not too bad. The pain is stupid but at least it doesn't have any other side effects. It's not going to hurt my heart or lungs or anything I just have to deal with the pain. If at the end of the day nothing will get rid of the pain, then there is a quick little surgery to remove the bursa and poof no more pain.
So all in all I made it 30 years before I came down with another ailment in conjunction with my RA. That is not to bad (lol). It sucks. I want less pain not more. I want to be able to get out of bed without crying. I want my daughter NOT to see her mom cry from pain.
Oh well , it was only a matter of time. ~sigh~
Later Gaters
I know I know it's been a while but in my defense I have not had a working computer. But now that my computer is back and working I will be posting a LOT more.
My first post of the new year is not going to be a happy one. I'm thinking it's going to be a little bit of a rant fest. I apologize now in advance if I bring y'all down with me.
So I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis since I was 2 yeas old, so for anybody keeping score that is 30 YEARS. For most people when I say I have arthritis they give me a look that says"SO? why should I care, that's no big deal " but it is a big deal. RA is not your grandmothers arthritis. My RA is an autoimmune disorder. My RA is closer to Lupus than Osteoarthritis (which is what most people have when they say they have arthritis.) Ra takes a good 30 years off your life span. RA can hurt your eyes, heart, and ALL your joints..
The other "downside" to RA is that your body is prone to more diseases and conditions. Now I have made it 30 years without any other conditions popping up.... until now.
Let me paint y'all a picture. Some time last week I woke up in pain. Now this is not an uncommon thing in my world. I wake up with pain most days. What was different this time was the intensity and where it was located. Over night my arthritis had spread to a new joint. Until now my hips (knock on wood) have been great. I have never had a twinge of pain in them (much to the amazement of my rhuematologist). But on this morning I was wondering just how I was going to make it down to the bathroom and get Meaghan off to school. So I sucked it up got Meaghan up for school and made it down the stairs to the washroom. I was able to do all this because downstairs right by my favorite spot on the couch is a wonderful wicker box. What is so wonderful about this box you ask? The box itself is not so great it's what's in the box that made me able to get up and make it down the stairs. In this box I keep ALL MY DRUGS. I love my drugs. It is because of my drugs that I am able to walk, talk, sit, stand and even hold a tooth brush. I kid you not. My only joints not effected by RA are my shoulders, hips(maybe).
So back to my box O drugs. I knew 20 minutes after taking about 6 or 7 different pills my pain would go away. So I did this and 20 minutes later my pain was not gone. Nope instead it was getting worse. I got Meaghan off to school and I went back to bed. This usually helps me but alas this was not to be my fate this day. I know a lot of people reading this are thinking "whatever how bad could it be?" " Suck it up princess" the best way I can describe it is by comparing it to being cut open with a hot dull knife. My glute, and hamstring on my right side were on fire. Every time I engaged the muscles the pain was intensified to point where Dave wanted to take me to the hospital. Anyone who knows Dave knows that he would rather stitch his own wound up with a needle and thread then go to the emergency room. I said no to the hospital, they were just gonna tell me it's my RA and to go see your doctor to adjust your meds. So this is what I was planning on doing.
Today I had a physio appointment, so I went to it with the hope that my therapist would be able to help alleviate at least some of the the pain. At first she was thinking like me it was just a bad flare up in a new joint. Upon further inspection she decided that it was NOT my RA in a new joint. YEA YEA YEA YIPPEEEEEE YIPPPPPPPEEEEEEE. This is great news. It means my meds are still working and my disease is NOT progressing. This is the best news I have heard in regards to my RA. The bad news...... what the fuck is going on with my leg?
DRUM ROLL PLEASE..................
I have Ischiogluteal Bursitis. What is that do you ask? It's Bursitis of the hip. It is a ridiculously painful condition. That is treated with rest and ice, pain killers and injectable steroids. All and all not too bad. The pain is stupid but at least it doesn't have any other side effects. It's not going to hurt my heart or lungs or anything I just have to deal with the pain. If at the end of the day nothing will get rid of the pain, then there is a quick little surgery to remove the bursa and poof no more pain.
So all in all I made it 30 years before I came down with another ailment in conjunction with my RA. That is not to bad (lol). It sucks. I want less pain not more. I want to be able to get out of bed without crying. I want my daughter NOT to see her mom cry from pain.
Oh well , it was only a matter of time. ~sigh~
Later Gaters
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