Oh, the Joy of it All

I am sad, sad and angry tonight.
I am exhausted.
I am depressed
and I am more then a little heartbroken.

I thought the meds were working. I honestly thought for the first time in 13 years the meds were working. I thought, no, I let myself believe that I had found relief. I was happy. I could handle the little flare ups. I had made my peace with the little pains. They are part of the disease. But I thought I honestly thought that I WAS IN REMISSION. How could I be so fucking stupid? I have been in remission twice in my life, once spontaneously when I was 12-18 then when I was pregnant with Meaghan (which I was told would happen before I got pregnant) After remission both times my Ra got severe again and spread. But this time I thought I was going into remission because of treatment, and treatment induced remission has the ability to last for a lifetime. A LIFETIME. That's the dream with a chronic illness. I was doing so good the last year and a half. But all that's changed now.


I went back to the doctor today, he looked at me for the first time ever with such sadness. I sat there crying asking him what do I do now? If the strongest meds in the RA arsenal don't work what am I supposed to do? How do I do this for another 30 years? He didn't know what to say. I don't blame him for not knowing what to say to me. The Brooke that was in his office today was not the usual one he sees. Normally I just take what he tells me and say thanks and go fill the new scrip or adjust what I am already doing. But this time I think he saw me give up.

I could handle it being bursitis, a torn hamstring, or just an injury to some random muscle. But not my RA spreading yet again. C'MON THAT IS BULLSHIT. I am taking the strongest meds they have. I am risking getting lymphoma for Christ sake just to treat my RA. But the kicker. The joint that is causing all the pain and tears is a little joint called the Sacroiliac Joint. It is located at the back of the pelvis. It is a shitty little joint. The shitty part is that I can't have the hip replaced to end the pain. The joint can't be replaced. So I just have to live with it. I am pretty tired of just living with it. Sure, I've learnt to live with it. I live with what feels like half a life. There is the life I want to live and the life I actually live. I had fooled myself the last little while into thinking that I was going to be able to live my whole life. Not just the half of it that the pain didn't effect.

I am going to see my reumatologist next week. See if he has something new up his sleeve. I keep telling myself it could be worse, But in the end if my RA doesn't kill me, my RA treatments will. My doc told me today that with this new progression I am at a higher risk for the RA to hit my heart. He figures it is now damaging my soft tissue, my tendons to be specific. So yes I am mad, I am angry and I am sad. I just don't know where to go from here.


I was happy
I had no significant pain
I was able to do what I wanted to do
Pain was not factoring into my day to day life, cause it was not there
Now?
Now I don't know.


Later Gaters