Saturday, February 12, 2011
Panic
Panic is a funny thing. I never knew what panic was till this morning. I woke up in pain like I have never felt before. I've had a baby, and 2 knee replacements but the pain this morning was like nothing I have ever felt before. For an hour and 30 min I laid on the couch desperately trying to get up so that I could get the phone to call the doctor and then my father and husband to get someone to take me to the hospital. What I didn't realize was that the pain was so bad and I was so exhausted that I was panicking. Looking back that was true. I was panicking. I have never felt that before. I was sobbing uncontrollably begging God to make the pain stop. I was bargaining with God. Asking Him what he needed from me to make it go away? With no answer coming (cause I could hear nothing but the pain) I just sobbed harder ,screamed into my hands, forced myself to accept the searing pain that was coming and get off the couch and get the phone.
I called my dad and in between tears I asked him to come to my house cause I didn't know what to do and I wanted to go to the hospital. Looking back I think now the hospital was unnecessary (maybe). Once my meds were doing their jobs (50 mg of Prednisone and a couple of morphine) I had some relief and I felt more exhausted then anything. From there I went to guilt. I felt so bad freaking out like I did. I called my dad and step mom who live in Stienbach to come into the city to get me and take me to the hospital. I'm thinking I was not thinking very clearly. After that phone call I called Dave and told him Jim was coming to take me to the hospital and was then informed by Dave that he was coming home right now. I know that I should not feel guilty like I do, but the reality of it? Guilt is how I cope. Through making myself believe that my pain is not as bad as it actually is, I am able to cope. I understand it even less then you.
I am better right now. I have spent a lot of time sleeping and laying on the couch, and I have found some semblance of relief. The key? Drugs and rest. Staying off the leg is working well (heat helps) The health links nurse told me that if my pain goes back to a 10 I need to go to the hospital right away. She said they would be able to give me a steroid drip and some heavier pain meds. So Dave and I are doing everything we can to make sure we do not have to take a trip to the emergency room. So far I have only got back up to about a 7 or so. For the most part I can deal with that. a good night sleep should work wonders except I need to wake up every couple of hours so that I don't let my pain meds wear off. Alarm clock and me are going to be very friendly tonight.
Oh well, I learned today that I have an amazing husband, daughter Dad and Step mom. Not once did they make me feel bad for wreaking their Saturday. And honestly that was the best thing they could have done for me. I can heap enough guilt on myself that on a day like today the last thing I need is knowing that I have irritated someone else. I also learned that I do have a limit. I found it today. Or I guess it found me.
Later Gaters
I called my dad and in between tears I asked him to come to my house cause I didn't know what to do and I wanted to go to the hospital. Looking back I think now the hospital was unnecessary (maybe). Once my meds were doing their jobs (50 mg of Prednisone and a couple of morphine) I had some relief and I felt more exhausted then anything. From there I went to guilt. I felt so bad freaking out like I did. I called my dad and step mom who live in Stienbach to come into the city to get me and take me to the hospital. I'm thinking I was not thinking very clearly. After that phone call I called Dave and told him Jim was coming to take me to the hospital and was then informed by Dave that he was coming home right now. I know that I should not feel guilty like I do, but the reality of it? Guilt is how I cope. Through making myself believe that my pain is not as bad as it actually is, I am able to cope. I understand it even less then you.
I am better right now. I have spent a lot of time sleeping and laying on the couch, and I have found some semblance of relief. The key? Drugs and rest. Staying off the leg is working well (heat helps) The health links nurse told me that if my pain goes back to a 10 I need to go to the hospital right away. She said they would be able to give me a steroid drip and some heavier pain meds. So Dave and I are doing everything we can to make sure we do not have to take a trip to the emergency room. So far I have only got back up to about a 7 or so. For the most part I can deal with that. a good night sleep should work wonders except I need to wake up every couple of hours so that I don't let my pain meds wear off. Alarm clock and me are going to be very friendly tonight.
Oh well, I learned today that I have an amazing husband, daughter Dad and Step mom. Not once did they make me feel bad for wreaking their Saturday. And honestly that was the best thing they could have done for me. I can heap enough guilt on myself that on a day like today the last thing I need is knowing that I have irritated someone else. I also learned that I do have a limit. I found it today. Or I guess it found me.
Later Gaters
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